5 Reasons Why Skateboarding in the Office is a Bad Idea
While there’s possibly an episode of “Built to Shred” hiding somewhere in the title, unless you work with Bucky Lasek or Stacy from Legends of Dogtown, turning your office into a mini-skate park during coffee break may not go over so well with your workmates.
Although, it sounds like a good idea in theory (Awesome Theory that is!!!) before you lace up your Vans to go 50/50 down the rails of the company staircase, here are a few things you might want to consider first.
5. Carpeted floors = Good for Falls… Terrible for Traction.
Ok… carpets do make for amazingly cozy bailouts. You’ll be actually looking forward to falls when you feel that soft woven polypropylene effortlessly cushion the full weight of your body as opposed to a cold, hip-fracturing sidewalk.
Thinking polypropylene thoughts doesn't work.
But while your cases of road rash will decline, everything else will suck.The friction created by your new found floor padding will cut your speed and distance by more than half, systematically making each kick and push a pain. Combine that with the annoying principles of gravity and you’ll notice that your regular ollie height is reduced to just above beginner’s level, giving you less airtime to complete each trick.
But that’s no problem, because you can still do a standing ollie at a decent height right?… Wrong.  There’s a reason why you should always have a solid base to trick from (concrete, wood…, sheet metal). This is because for your skateboard to leave the ground, you need transfer potential energy from your body into the board, hence the ollie motion. Think of yourself as an archer pulling back a bow… with wheels on it. Solid foundations will reflect this energy back into your board but the soft, easy-on-the-soles carpet will absorb a portion of that energy, reducing the height that your board jumps.
And you thought that rain was a buzz kill.
4. The Security Guard is a Douchebag
Understandably, there are some professional security guards who are aptly trained to take down bad guys like how Moose pounds on Reggie when he’s caught flirting with Midge.
But then there are the office security guards whose every day routine is made up of reading 2 daily newspapers cover-to-cover and listening to the contemporary station on their clock radio.
These dudes see less action than a Ranger in Jelly Stone Park (unless being outsmarted by a wise-cracking bear and his tiny sidekick is now marked as counterterrorism). They can’t wait for a “Smarter than the Average Skater” like you to roll up and try to manual the entire length of the car park.
Ohhh yea, I’m gonna taser this punk.
Best case scenario, the guard will suppress his urge to go Randy Couture on you and ask you to leave quietly, in the worst case, you’ll be tackled from the blindside, dragon punched and placed under civil arrest, wearing handcuffs that were bought 3 years ago but still have that new handcuff smell.
3. Security Cameras suck at cool video playback
They’re recording 24/7 whether you’re there or not, so you might as well film your office session using the closed circuit security system. But don’t expect any Real Street nominations. Let’s face it, these things are set up to stop your klepto co-workers from boosting the stationery, so forget about looking like Tony Hawk in the final cut.
Get comfortable with a fixed 45-degree, overhead camera that basically prevents anyone from really seeing or appreciating your arsenal of tricks. Not that it would really matter because there’s no HD. The video footage will probably end up looking like a cross between a kidnapping snuff film and the bedroom scenes in Big Brother UK.
Attaining the said footage may involve crawling through the air vents and using a wire cable to descend into the surveillance room, while the guard goes to the microwave to warm his lunch-cake.
It's this easy!
But after all of this, no matter how well you try to edit, you can’t get past the fact that your highlight reel looks like intermittent clips from an episode of “World’s Dumbest” without the snarky one-liners from Danny Bonaduce.
2. Extremely short Wallrides
Like many other board tricks, wall riding is a skill that combines speed and physics in one gravity defying motion. Its difficulty is further increased by the fact that there are hardly any available walls to ride. Every wall in the office is taken up by something. It’s either a window, a noticeboard or your supervisor’s College degrees.
Are all of these really necessary?
There are probably glimpses of places that you can wall ride. Like the area between the mens’ and ladies’ rooms but you’ll have get used to the never-ending awkwardness of bumping into co-workers after they just finished a number 2.
Wall riding outside the building is also risky because you’ll once again have to contend with the action-impoverished security guard who doesn’t want you within a 200ft radius of the CEO’s S-Class.
1. Pesky co-workers crossing your route
The most off-putting thing about office skateboarding will be your fellow staff members.
Although getting over and around obstacles is what skateboarding is all about, these slackers are just everywhere, in the conference room, in the copy room, by the water cooler. And each time they get up to go file something; they’re walking right through your lines.
Hey... I'm TRYING TO HEEL FLIP HERE!!
These moving obstacles may give you the opportunity to improvise, but this is crazy. Compare it to when you’re at your favourite skate spot and some noob keeps cutting you off every time you’re gearing up for a sick trick… then multiply that by the number of employees in your office.
You’re gonna be saying “Get outta the way” like it’s a second language. Although it may be satisfying to crash into that jerk from Marketing who keeps flirting with the cute receptionists you like, that’s beside the point.
The moral of the story is… Do whatever you wanna to do in the office, but leave skating for the skate parks.
written by Jamal Hall - Action Sports Editor at Adrenaline Sun
