5 Things I learnt about Women after attending a Mud Dogs Safari
Because Adrenaline Sun is an action sports website, that doesn’t mean we can’t delve into matters of the heart. Actually, dishing out intrusive relationship advice is a subsidiary service that we offer. Now, I’m not some pretentious, know-it-all jerk who’s about to whip out a 10-step programme on how to date Eva Mendez. That would be stereotypical and the last guy who tried that accidentally kicked her off a wave-runner.
No, I am just a regular guy whose heart has been broken, head-butted, clothes-lined and pimp slapped. I spent so much time checked-in the Heart Break Hotel that they started giving me special discount rates with my MasterCard. But through all of that, I’ve learnt that advice on women doesn’t come from dollar-store books or crappy Kevin James movies. It can actually be found in the most unexpected, yet easily accessible places… like a Mud Dogs Safari in Barbados. I mean when I showed up at the event, the parallels were knocking me over. I really can’t believe I was the only one who noticed great dating advice like…
With Mud Dogs and Women – Challenges can be skipped
Although this was my first Mud Dogs Safari, I thought that I basically had a handle on how things worked. Guys in heavily modified jeeps drive through valleys, ditches, gullies and other rugged terrain and receive points accordingly. Simple stuff. I had it all figured out until I saw how the challenges worked.
Every now and again, there’s a challenge created by the course-coordinator to test the skills of the driver and the limits of the vehicle.  But the thing is, teams sometimes skip certain challenges and move on without even a first attempt.
I wouldn't drive my Sentra through that either, Fellas!
When I asked about this seemingly unsportsmanlike, rule bender, I was told that teams do this because they are only penalized 50 points for it. This is a relatively low figure compared to other penalties that can take up to 200 points for each offence. So competitors just skip past the challenges and hope that the other teams get hit with a traffic offence or miss a few checkpoints later in the event. Skipping challenges also saves time along the route.
The same principle can be directly applied to relationships. I can’t tell you the number of times, that I kept unsuccessfully tooling away at the same woman only to end up getting shot down like I was the only one wearing a bull’s-eye t-shirt at the Gun Club. But because I love a challenge, I kept painfully prodding on, with hopes that my relentless advances would eventually file down the steel-plated, guard wall around her heart. If I had known about Mud Dogs before, I would’ve taken the 50 point penalty on my pride and saved loads of time in the process.
With Mud Dogs and Women - Don’t fall for the head games
The course in a Mud Dogs Safari is not as straight forward as the course in SOL Rally Barbados. In fact, the entire role of a Mud Dogs course-coordinator is based around messing with, conning and bamboozling drivers and navigators to make them miss certain check points and face stiff penalties. Maniacal course-coordinators would set tricks so vindictive that victims can end up driving around in circles for 30 minutes, while simultaneously plotting their revenge.
But not Barry, he's one of the good guys!
If you’re lost long enough, other competitors will drive past and you can tailgate them with the hopes that they’ll lead you to sweet, sweet salvation. Also, if you happen to see a Marshall, you can stop and ask for a Redirection where you might gain valuable insights on where to go. Although this method can incur a small penalty, it’s better than bumbling around the outback hoping to find a Mud Dogs version of the Yellow Brick Road.
Head games in relationships are equally as frustrating, because similarly to Mud Dogs, you’re not sure if you’re making progress or not. On Monday, she’ll laugh and flirt with you and then won’t return your calls for the rest of the week. These head games can be either blatant or very subtle and are not always as easy to spot as the ones in Mud Dogs.
The real life version of a Mud Dogs Marshall would be one of her friends. You can ask this friend for some insights on what’s going on but just like in Mud Dogs, you may suffer a penalty because everything you ask may not be kept confidential. However, you may gain some information to help decide if you should remain in  pursuit or if to cut route and move on.
With Mud Dogs and Women - It’s OK to get Dirty
For those guys sitting in the back that haven’t figured this out yet, Mud Dogs is all about getting down and dirty. If it wasn’t, it would probably be called Clean Dogs or Keep-That-Gully-Water-Away-From-Me Dogs. Fans actually love seeing these specially engineered Swamp Buggies take on the most difficult challenges. It doesn’t matter if the teams get stuck or not. It’s all about the spectacle of seeing these mean machines maxing out RPMs and taking on the obstacles of Mother Nature.
It's what these bad boys were made for!!!
Women are like Mud Dogs fans. They love to see a man taking on some challenges every now and again and getting down and dirty by handling his business. Unfortunately, it took a long time for me to get this memo. Since I basically grew up watching a lot of TV, which is never a good thing when looking for relationship advice for real life situations. Cases like Ross and Rachel or Steve Urkel and Laura taught me that the sensitive guy always gets the girl no matter how nerdy or socially unappealing he is. Unfortunately, my translation of this was that women like men who write poetry and misquote Shakespeare.
To be or not to be… Can I take you to Chefette?
The first couple poems were okay, but when the poem-count got past twenty, problems always started arising. Women didn’t respond too well when I spoke like a 15th century aristocrat and passively pressured them to live up to my weird, Elizabethan fantasies. If I had known about Mud Dogs before, this would have never been a problem.
With Mud Dogs and Women - Size doesn’t matter
Hey, get your mind out of the Gully!!!
While all Mud Dogs are not created equally, it doesn’t mean, the bigger the tires, the bigger the rewards. A Mud Dogs Safari is a navigation-based event. It’s more about planning and strategizing than it is about torque and speed. On the outside, you can have the best mud tires and the sturdiest suspension available on the market. But if you have an idiot-navigator inside the cockpit who doesn’t know left from south, claiming the podium would be like dreaming an impossible dream… that also happens to be a nightmare.
Women are more emotional than men. They usually tend to look past the physical elements to see if prospective males are emotionally compatible. Not that looks don’t matter at all but it usually comes down to personality traits and social skills.
As previously mentioned, I had a few problems meeting women. After a few years, I chalked it up to the fact that I was too skinny and I needed to muscle-up. I hit the gym hard and the rippling biceps came, but the scores of beautiful women who wanted to maul me with their bodies didn’t show. I even tried spraying on some perfume from a can and still nothing. From Mud Dogs, I realized that I get much better results when I stopped concentrating on what was on the outside and started to develop my socially-awkward persona. I also figured out how not to hit women in the face with spit balls whenever I stuttered.
With Mud Dogs and Women -Â Getting Hooked Up is Great
Things were not looking good for Mud Dogs standings leader, Leslie Alleyne. Just before the last Nassco October Safari, his truck suffered a serious mechanical failure and it appeared that all was lost. But Leslie’s friend and fellow Mud Dogs competitor, Chris Armstrong hooked him up with a sweet Toyota Hilux. And guess what? Leslie won the Safari with it. He even beat Chris.
Thanks Chris, I couldn't have done this without you!
Getting hooked up in a relationship is one of the best ways for the socially-inept to meet someone new. In my case, I wasn’t bad at maintaining a conversation once it started but I lacked the confidence to go up to a beautiful woman to start one. My feeble attempts at small talk usually began with my vision blurring and ended when I opened my eyes to see the face of the paramedic who just revived me.
For me to actually make an impression (that didn’t involve pity) friends had to hook me up with women they knew. My most successful relationships all began when a woman was placed in a situation where she had no choice but to endure my company at dinnertime. If I had known about Mud Dogs before, I would have relied on the hook up method a lot more.
written by Jamal Hall- Action Sports Editor for Adrenaline Sun
